A Promise

“I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours." Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

This quote says exactly what I feel for my husband.  He is the best and I just don't know what I would ever do without him.
(My rings need cleaning, ugh!)

Better Days

I'm having better days lately!  I've stepped back and looked at my life and the things I want to accomplish, the person I want to be and I've learned that I WANT to work for all of it.

Life has been good and I know that there will be bad days too.  The thing is to face the bad days head on and ride them out.

I'm getting on a good track with my fitness - just have to stop being so lazy, LOL.

More of the journey to come...

What Am I Doing?

I'm killing myself.  Now, I'm not contemplating suicide and I'm not planning a suicide attempt.  But I am slowly killing myself.

I am an over weight, diabetic, heart patient who also has thyroid problems.  But what do I do daily? Nothing but eat and sit on my fat ass!  Well, I get up and go to the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, etc.  But I don't eat right and I don't exercise and I'm slowly killing myself!

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow.  I think I'm depressed and I know I need to talk to her about this.  I'm too young to be doing this to myself.  I don't want to be this way but I am,  Can I make a change?  Can I start a new journey?  I'm just not sure.

Oh My...

It has been so very long since I've posted.  Life gets in the way, yet life is what I'm writing about.

Sean has really grown this summer.  He has learned to swim, really swim, and he enjoys going to the water park.  I enjoy taking him too.

Having fun with Mom throwing him.

Yes, he loves it.

Our second favorite place this summer is Strawberry Hill.  We all love to go and enjoy the fresh, home made ice cream!

My two boys!

Fresh watermelon - grown there at Strawberry Hill.

A wonderful smile on a pretty day.

I love spending time with them and know that every day is a gift from God.

5-5-12 Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo - the 5th of May.  That day holds special memories for me and I always celebrate the day, even if it's a quiet celebration.

Seven years ago, on May 5, 2005, I found out I was pregnant with my boy.  What a day that was!  I didn't know whether to be happy or sad!  I was 40 years old and not married to the baby's father.  I knew that I could raise him on my own and I would provide him with enough love that he would not miss his father.  Happily, his father did want him and there was never any question as to what would happen.  We moved in together and have been a loving, happy family ever since! Little did I know how my life would change or how I would welcome and embrace that change!  To me, my life is perfect and I've never been happier!

I photographed a wedding today and my son attended the wedding.  Naturally I took some of him.  He is so handsome!

Isn't he handsome!

He's a natural at being dressed up!

Anger...

Anger.  A very strong emotion that can make you or break you.  I'm very angry today and I really don't know why.  There is nothing wrong with my day and no one has done anything to make me angry so why am I so mad?

Let me make some lunch and I will explore this...

It's All So Basic...

If you really think about it, it's all basic.  To save money - you just don't spend, to quit smoking - you just don't light up, to lose weight - you just - hmmm, that's where it get complicated.  Or so it seems.

To lose weight you must use more calories than you consume, right?  Right.  So, for me to lose weight I have to eat less and exercise more.  But how do I do that?  How can I get happy with myself?  By making one change a day.

Today I walked on the treadmill for about 20 minutes and then danced for 25 minutes.  That was fun.  But, on a daily basis, do I have time to do that EVERY DAY?  I don't have a choice.  Well, I do but you know what I mean.

So, for getting back to the basics of this...yesterday at the daycare I put in a DVD for the little ones to watch.  As I watched and sang along I realized that it really is basic!  I can do "Elmocize" with the kids and get at least 30 minutes of exercise at the daycare and then do the dance and treadmill at night when I'm at home.

Hooray for Elmocize!!!

So, I think this is going to be cute and fun and maybe, just maybe, I can lose the 55 pounds that I need to lose.

Happy Easter!

Today is Easter Sunday.  What a beautiful day it is! The sun is shinning and it's about 76 degrees...perfect weather for an egg hunt.  Except for one thing - my little man has strep throat again!  He's not much up to an egg hunt.  But he did dye the eggs!

He was upset about the cracked on but I told him, "Son, there's a cracked one in every family!"

He did want to go out and hunt some but he got tired quickly...

Gator and Millie found an egg too!

When he got tired of hunting eggs he wanted to blow bubbles.

I love my little sunshine!

Dinner will be ready soon and we will enjoy dinner as a family.  I know that my life is far from perfect but, to me, it IS perfect!

He's Growing Up!

Sean lost his first tooth!!!!

He was so proud! Mom was also very proud and then sad as well.  My little boy is officially no longer a baby!  When that first baby tooth comes out, he's a big boy.  That happened today, March 31, 2012.

And then....

That's right! Tooth number two came out!  About two hours after the first tooth was pulled he said, "Mom, I think this one is ready too but I'm scared!"  We pulled it!  So he lost his first two baby teeth on the same day!

The tooth fairy came and left a cut little note.  It said,

"Sean,

While you lay sleeping, I came in the night.

Under your pillow was a marvelous sight.

Your first two teeth had some unstuck.

Keep them forever, they will bring you good luck!

Love,

The Tooth Fairy

3-31-12"

I'm so happy for him and I'm so happy to be here to celebrate this day with him!

Hmmm...

I can't believe I haven't written in a month!  I'm bad and I know it!

Tomorrow is 91 days, 3 months since my heart attack and my Quit!  I'm so proud of myself.

I had my follow up at the cardiologist office.  He said I'm doing fine and he will see me in three months.  My goal is to have lost at least 15 pounds by then.

Anyway, off to bed for tonight.  I will try to do better!

I'm looking better!

Two Months...

...that's how long I've been quit smoking!  It's funny, I don't say, "It has been two months since my heart attack." but "two months since I quit smoking".  The two go hand in hand.  It has been two months since I had a heart attack and two months since I quit smoking.  I can't believe it!  I am so proud of me!  On the Quitnet site you design a T-shirt on your two month anniversary - it's a virtual shirt of course.  I designed mine this morning and then went to Cafepress to order one I had seen.  The one I liked, and ordered, says, "You can't scare me, I quit smoking cold turkey."  Well, you could also design your own T-shirt!!!!  How awesome is that!  Yes, I designed one and ordered it!  It is pink and on the front it has three things - An "I Quit" cigarette ribbon, then N.O.P.E. in green letters and then a heart.  N.O.P.E stands for Not One Puff Ever.  On the back, in the same green letters it simply says, "DFS" which is the easiest way to quit smoking, "Don't Fucking Smoke".  I can't wait until it or they get here!

Anyway, off to do some grocery shopping.  Later all!

N.O.P.E

These are the designs but the word is in the middle.

Thank You God!

The test results were good! Or as good as they can get - the nodule is unchanged and unspecified and my doctor says that's good, no cancer.  Follow up in 6 months.  Sooooo....

With all that behind me and the future looking better I'm getting started on my way to good health!  I will be eating right, exercising, not smoking - did I mention that it has been 56 days since I had a cigarette? - and doing better on everything.  I've managed to "lose myself" and I'm going to find me again.  I know I'm in there, just gotta get me back out.

So, I will lose 50 pounds, yes 50!  I will eat healthy and control my diabetes.  I will, for this week, walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes every day and dance for 20 minutes every day.  That's my cardio work out.  I will drink at least one bottle of water every day (hey, that's a lot for me) and cut back on my coffee.  I won't stop by McDonalds and get sweet tea daily - if I go I will get unsweet tea.

There is a person on the Quitnet that is an inspiration to me.  Her screen name on the quit CarlyKicksButts and she is just amazing! I've been reading her blog http://thenextrightchoice.blogspot.com/ and the way she is doing things and it has given me some ideas.  I know that I can do this and I will.  Her blog is about the "next right choice" and that's what getting healthy is about - making the next right choice.

I know it won't all happen overnight and it will take hard work.  It's about the hard work, and the end result but it's also about the journey and this is the journey through my eyes.

Fear and Stress

I may have lung cancer...

That's the first time I have typed those words.  I am so afraid!  I went today for a CT scan and should have the results in 24 to 48 hours.  I feel that it will take forever to find out and yet I'm not sure I want to find out.  I don't want to have cancer!  I quit smoking, true - it took a heart attack to make me quit.  I just want to live and see my son grown!

Happy New Year! Welcome 2012!

What a great New Year's Eve we had!  We asked Krissy for Jaden and Brooklyn for the weekend and we had our own New Years Party!

We had all the bells and whistles! Sparkling grape juice for the kids and sparkling wine for us!

Brooklyn wasn't sure what we were doing.

But Mark sure knew! He's so fun to be with!

Let's toast in the New Year!

Happy New Year!

I love my boy!

Jaden had fun.

A happy boy.

A toast to the New Year!

And my Mimosa completes the night.

Hope everyone has a wonderful 2012 and make it the best ever!

Merry Christmas!

I am so far behind on our blog!  It is actually the new  year and I'm just now doing Christmas.  Oh well, better late than never!

We had a great Christmas!  I guess having a life threatening occurance changes everything.  Sean enjoyed his "Santa" and we did too.

Sean started waking us up at 12:45 a.m. and continued until we finally got up at 3:45 a.m. He was so sweet and polite, "Mom, I just can't sleep.  I'm too excited.  Can we please get up and see if Santa came?"

Cookies, milk and homemade hot chocolate for Santa.

Yes, Santa came!

YES! Super Mario Brothers for the Wii! The one gift he asked for over and over!

Practice ride in the house.

We loved our Christmas and hope to have many more!  Also, I still haven't smoked so this was a smoke fee Christmas!

Life Changing Event

The day of Sean's birthday party was a good day.  The only thing that went wrong was my headache.  I woke up with a headache and kept it all day.  On the way to Sean's party I stopped by McDonald's and got one of the Mocha Caramel Iced Coffees.  The sugar and caffeine usually help my headaches and it did this day too.

After his party was over, we went to the Clock and ate dinner.  Neither one of us ate much at his party and we were all starving!  The meal was good and we headed home.  When we got home I told Mark that my head was hurting again.  I took some ibuprofen and we went to bed.  After I got in my bed my ears and neck were hurting too.  I asked Mark to rub my neck and told him that my throat hurt but not like it was sore.  I drifted off to sleep and slept good.

Sunday morning, December 11, 2011 we woke up and everything was good.  We started getting ready to go to Walmart and buy groceries when my head started hurting again.  Mark gave me one of the pain pills the doctor had given him for his headache.  He asked if I wanted him and Sean to go get groceries and I told him no.  I pulled my pajamas off to get dressed and my head started hurting worse.  My ears, throat, neck, front and back of my shoulders and my elbows were hurting.  I laid back down on the bed and told Mark to call 911 and started crying.  I felt like I had the flu and that my head was going to split wide open any second.  That's when I started feeling nauseated.  The ambulance got there and they asked me a few questions and then said, "Well, do you want us to transport you to the hospital?"  No, dumb ass! I just called so I could see your ugly mugs this morning!  What a stupid question for them to ask!  Anyway, I walked to the porch and down the steps and got onto the stretcher.  Inside the ambulance they gave me a little pan to throw up in and tried to start an IV.  My veins roll so he couldn't get one in.  We were half way to the hospital when the driver pulled over so they could transmit the EKG to the hospital.  When it went through the driver hit the lights and sirens, the EMT in back with me started doing all kinds of things like spraying Nitroglycerin under my tongue, giving me eight baby aspirin to take, spraying more nitro under my tongue.  Five minutes prior to this he said, "From everything I'm seeing it's not cardiac."  I asked him what was going on (all the things he was doing and the ambulance driver hauling butt and keeping the sirens on.  He said, "You're having a heart attack."  Oh, ok.  You just said it wasn't cardiac, boy you were wrong!  The didn't take me to the emergency room.  They took me straight to the heart center to the cath lab.  Once there, they did a heart cath, opened my right coronary artery which was 100% blocked and I felt better.  As soon as the artery was opened there was immediate relief.  Now, I had also been given something for nausea, Morphine and something for the sedation.  I just know I felt better. 

This is me a few hours after the heart attack while in CCU>

One of two IV's.  This one was in the bend of my arm.

Oh, I forgot to mention this.  When they pulled the tubing out I had some internal bleeding.  No place for the blood to go except inside and no way to get it out.  It just has to "dry up" so to speak.  It caused a lot of swelling.

Once the second ultrasound showed that the bleeding was stopped I was moved to a regular room.  I spent 2 days in CCU and 2 days in room 8412 in the Heart Center.

After my shower, Sean got to help nurse Nichole flush my IV.

He also checked out Mom's bed.

All my wonderful jewelry!


I am thankful to be alive and able to walk around and fuss about not going anywhere and not working.  I am thankful to be approaching another Christmas with Sean and Mark.  I almost missed his actual birthday and all future birthdays, Christmases and all of the things that go with your child growing up.  We wouldn't have known that his party at Chuck E Cheese would have been the last one that I got to celebrate or that my 47th birthday was my last or that Thanksgiving 2011 was our last together as a family.  I guess nobody knows these things but now I'm am going to live each day as if it were my last.

Oh, besides living which is the best thing, the second best thing is that I quit smoking!!!  Oh yes, my heart attack was a good thing and I will never smoke again!  It has been 10 days and I'm doing great!!!

Birthday Boy!

It has been so long since I've been here!  I said I wasn't a blogger!  But a lot has happened and it has been a trying time.

Sean was born on December 12th.  We had his birthday party this year on December 10th.  He had fun!  I can't believe that my baby is six years old!

He wanted a "Cars" cake and this baby was a hit!

His party was at Chuck E Cheese's!  Every kids wants a Chuck E Cheese Party!

Sean and his "brother" Chase had a blast!

His birthday dance!

Sean and Chuck E!

I think he's gonna blow!!

The ticket blaster was so much fun for him!

He had a great party and had so much fun!  He didn't want it to end!  The parties there are scheduled for two hours and we ended up being there for three!  Loved it!