What Am I Doing?

I'm killing myself.  Now, I'm not contemplating suicide and I'm not planning a suicide attempt.  But I am slowly killing myself.

I am an over weight, diabetic, heart patient who also has thyroid problems.  But what do I do daily? Nothing but eat and sit on my fat ass!  Well, I get up and go to the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, etc.  But I don't eat right and I don't exercise and I'm slowly killing myself!

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow.  I think I'm depressed and I know I need to talk to her about this.  I'm too young to be doing this to myself.  I don't want to be this way but I am,  Can I make a change?  Can I start a new journey?  I'm just not sure.

Oh My...

It has been so very long since I've posted.  Life gets in the way, yet life is what I'm writing about.

Sean has really grown this summer.  He has learned to swim, really swim, and he enjoys going to the water park.  I enjoy taking him too.

Having fun with Mom throwing him.

Yes, he loves it.

Our second favorite place this summer is Strawberry Hill.  We all love to go and enjoy the fresh, home made ice cream!

My two boys!

Fresh watermelon - grown there at Strawberry Hill.

A wonderful smile on a pretty day.

I love spending time with them and know that every day is a gift from God.

5-5-12 Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo - the 5th of May.  That day holds special memories for me and I always celebrate the day, even if it's a quiet celebration.

Seven years ago, on May 5, 2005, I found out I was pregnant with my boy.  What a day that was!  I didn't know whether to be happy or sad!  I was 40 years old and not married to the baby's father.  I knew that I could raise him on my own and I would provide him with enough love that he would not miss his father.  Happily, his father did want him and there was never any question as to what would happen.  We moved in together and have been a loving, happy family ever since! Little did I know how my life would change or how I would welcome and embrace that change!  To me, my life is perfect and I've never been happier!

I photographed a wedding today and my son attended the wedding.  Naturally I took some of him.  He is so handsome!

Isn't he handsome!

He's a natural at being dressed up!

Anger...

Anger.  A very strong emotion that can make you or break you.  I'm very angry today and I really don't know why.  There is nothing wrong with my day and no one has done anything to make me angry so why am I so mad?

Let me make some lunch and I will explore this...

It's All So Basic...

If you really think about it, it's all basic.  To save money - you just don't spend, to quit smoking - you just don't light up, to lose weight - you just - hmmm, that's where it get complicated.  Or so it seems.

To lose weight you must use more calories than you consume, right?  Right.  So, for me to lose weight I have to eat less and exercise more.  But how do I do that?  How can I get happy with myself?  By making one change a day.

Today I walked on the treadmill for about 20 minutes and then danced for 25 minutes.  That was fun.  But, on a daily basis, do I have time to do that EVERY DAY?  I don't have a choice.  Well, I do but you know what I mean.

So, for getting back to the basics of this...yesterday at the daycare I put in a DVD for the little ones to watch.  As I watched and sang along I realized that it really is basic!  I can do "Elmocize" with the kids and get at least 30 minutes of exercise at the daycare and then do the dance and treadmill at night when I'm at home.

Hooray for Elmocize!!!

So, I think this is going to be cute and fun and maybe, just maybe, I can lose the 55 pounds that I need to lose.

Happy Easter!

Today is Easter Sunday.  What a beautiful day it is! The sun is shinning and it's about 76 degrees...perfect weather for an egg hunt.  Except for one thing - my little man has strep throat again!  He's not much up to an egg hunt.  But he did dye the eggs!

He was upset about the cracked on but I told him, "Son, there's a cracked one in every family!"

He did want to go out and hunt some but he got tired quickly...

Gator and Millie found an egg too!

When he got tired of hunting eggs he wanted to blow bubbles.

I love my little sunshine!

Dinner will be ready soon and we will enjoy dinner as a family.  I know that my life is far from perfect but, to me, it IS perfect!

He's Growing Up!

Sean lost his first tooth!!!!

He was so proud! Mom was also very proud and then sad as well.  My little boy is officially no longer a baby!  When that first baby tooth comes out, he's a big boy.  That happened today, March 31, 2012.

And then....

That's right! Tooth number two came out!  About two hours after the first tooth was pulled he said, "Mom, I think this one is ready too but I'm scared!"  We pulled it!  So he lost his first two baby teeth on the same day!

The tooth fairy came and left a cut little note.  It said,

"Sean,

While you lay sleeping, I came in the night.

Under your pillow was a marvelous sight.

Your first two teeth had some unstuck.

Keep them forever, they will bring you good luck!

Love,

The Tooth Fairy

3-31-12"

I'm so happy for him and I'm so happy to be here to celebrate this day with him!

Hmmm...

I can't believe I haven't written in a month!  I'm bad and I know it!

Tomorrow is 91 days, 3 months since my heart attack and my Quit!  I'm so proud of myself.

I had my follow up at the cardiologist office.  He said I'm doing fine and he will see me in three months.  My goal is to have lost at least 15 pounds by then.

Anyway, off to bed for tonight.  I will try to do better!

I'm looking better!

Two Months...

...that's how long I've been quit smoking!  It's funny, I don't say, "It has been two months since my heart attack." but "two months since I quit smoking".  The two go hand in hand.  It has been two months since I had a heart attack and two months since I quit smoking.  I can't believe it!  I am so proud of me!  On the Quitnet site you design a T-shirt on your two month anniversary - it's a virtual shirt of course.  I designed mine this morning and then went to Cafepress to order one I had seen.  The one I liked, and ordered, says, "You can't scare me, I quit smoking cold turkey."  Well, you could also design your own T-shirt!!!!  How awesome is that!  Yes, I designed one and ordered it!  It is pink and on the front it has three things - An "I Quit" cigarette ribbon, then N.O.P.E. in green letters and then a heart.  N.O.P.E stands for Not One Puff Ever.  On the back, in the same green letters it simply says, "DFS" which is the easiest way to quit smoking, "Don't Fucking Smoke".  I can't wait until it or they get here!

Anyway, off to do some grocery shopping.  Later all!

N.O.P.E

These are the designs but the word is in the middle.

Thank You God!

The test results were good! Or as good as they can get - the nodule is unchanged and unspecified and my doctor says that's good, no cancer.  Follow up in 6 months.  Sooooo....

With all that behind me and the future looking better I'm getting started on my way to good health!  I will be eating right, exercising, not smoking - did I mention that it has been 56 days since I had a cigarette? - and doing better on everything.  I've managed to "lose myself" and I'm going to find me again.  I know I'm in there, just gotta get me back out.

So, I will lose 50 pounds, yes 50!  I will eat healthy and control my diabetes.  I will, for this week, walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes every day and dance for 20 minutes every day.  That's my cardio work out.  I will drink at least one bottle of water every day (hey, that's a lot for me) and cut back on my coffee.  I won't stop by McDonalds and get sweet tea daily - if I go I will get unsweet tea.

There is a person on the Quitnet that is an inspiration to me.  Her screen name on the quit CarlyKicksButts and she is just amazing! I've been reading her blog http://thenextrightchoice.blogspot.com/ and the way she is doing things and it has given me some ideas.  I know that I can do this and I will.  Her blog is about the "next right choice" and that's what getting healthy is about - making the next right choice.

I know it won't all happen overnight and it will take hard work.  It's about the hard work, and the end result but it's also about the journey and this is the journey through my eyes.

Fear and Stress

I may have lung cancer...

That's the first time I have typed those words.  I am so afraid!  I went today for a CT scan and should have the results in 24 to 48 hours.  I feel that it will take forever to find out and yet I'm not sure I want to find out.  I don't want to have cancer!  I quit smoking, true - it took a heart attack to make me quit.  I just want to live and see my son grown!

Happy New Year! Welcome 2012!

What a great New Year's Eve we had!  We asked Krissy for Jaden and Brooklyn for the weekend and we had our own New Years Party!

We had all the bells and whistles! Sparkling grape juice for the kids and sparkling wine for us!

Brooklyn wasn't sure what we were doing.

But Mark sure knew! He's so fun to be with!

Let's toast in the New Year!

Happy New Year!

I love my boy!

Jaden had fun.

A happy boy.

A toast to the New Year!

And my Mimosa completes the night.

Hope everyone has a wonderful 2012 and make it the best ever!

Merry Christmas!

I am so far behind on our blog!  It is actually the new  year and I'm just now doing Christmas.  Oh well, better late than never!

We had a great Christmas!  I guess having a life threatening occurance changes everything.  Sean enjoyed his "Santa" and we did too.

Sean started waking us up at 12:45 a.m. and continued until we finally got up at 3:45 a.m. He was so sweet and polite, "Mom, I just can't sleep.  I'm too excited.  Can we please get up and see if Santa came?"

Cookies, milk and homemade hot chocolate for Santa.

Yes, Santa came!

YES! Super Mario Brothers for the Wii! The one gift he asked for over and over!

Practice ride in the house.

We loved our Christmas and hope to have many more!  Also, I still haven't smoked so this was a smoke fee Christmas!